Toffs Nightclub

Like Mrs Beckham, forever bleating on about how classy you are invariably makes people suspect the opposite. Which brings us to Toffs. During the week it's a student mecca, with drinks offers aplenty to help you wash down as much Brandy and Aguilera as you can stomach. Whereas at the weekends the music resembles a rundown of the top 20 on constant rotation. Upstairs you can find refuge in the café bar, which again is not as posh as it sounds, but should you be hankering after the height of cuisine – an omelette – after 11.30pm you're in luck. Alternatively you can wander in to the VIP area, where you can gather dust with the Saturday girl from the local hairdressers and the guy who sold the bouncer his car. For anyone dreaming of doing a Michelle Pfeiffer and draping themselves seductively over the grand piano remember the instrument is just for show, and the staff will have you removed in a far from gentle manner. The dress code's pretty relaxed, but you can't wear trainers at the weekends. Entry age is 18, but the bouncers have been known to reinterpret it as 21 for lads they don't like the look of and girls with chests below a C–cup.

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