Five People We All Stalk on Facebook
Oooh, look who just got married!
1. The Ex
You know you shouldn’t, but you still check every status update and monitor them through tagged pics… Sometimes this works as an excellent tool for getting over them – Wow, they STILL wear that terrible jumper, and they STILL can’t spell properly. We’re so much better without them. Who’s that they’re with? Oh, we’re so much fitter/taller/more stylish/generally better than them. Win. (NB occasionally this backfires when we see that they’re engaged/have suddenly won the lottery. Itchy cannot be held responsible.)
2. The Primary School Friend
You were friends in the playground, absolutely YEARS before Facebook was even imagined. As a result, you’re poles apart. De-friend, right? WRONG. Think of the comedy value of peeking into someone’s life – Oh wow, we remember that guy she’s going out with… wasn’t he the kid who wet himself in assembly?! Does he think he looks good with his hair like that? (In about 5 clicks you could have rediscovered your middle school crush – along with his newfound sexual orientation. You’ve been warned.)
3. The Former Colleague
When you leave a job, you can add people on Facebook that could have been a bit risky before. (Yeah, we know there are privacy settings, but a filter could have a lot of work on its hands to get rid of all the evidence Itchy is thinking about.) This can sometimes be predictable. (Oh, my boss IS a boring tit.) But it can also be a complete eye-opener. (Sharon from accounts wears WHAT at the weekend?!?!?) You may find yourself wanting to rewind time and make friends with those colleagues you’d overlooked, all thanks to their “Likes”.
4. The Random Add
You met them once, at that party. They took your name and added you. You’d think the story would end there, right? Well, not if they turn out to be a RLSOBYVOE (Real Life Soap Opera Before Your Very Own Eyes – obv). It doesn’t matter that you only had one real life conversation about the merits of vodka vs gin: their new baby/dodgy haircut/cheating girlfriend/terrible model shots ARE YOURS TO WATCH. They added you, you have permission to look. Simples. It’s just like Jeremy Kyle, but with added interactivity.
5. The Person You Vaguely Know and Slightly Fancy
Once again, you met them once, at that party. But you felt a real… connection? You added them as soon as you got home and found out pretty much everything about them. (Wow – Sagittarius? Sooo compatible.) You’ve found their half naked holiday snaps, worked out all their exes and even thought about poking them… then you see something that totally puts you off. (Could be anything from him actively liking Adele to a snap of her with her 20 cats– the course of true love ne’er did run smooth.) So, that’s it. Next time you bump into them, just be EXTREMELY careful not to blurt out “I love those shoes you wore to your Freshers ball.” You’ll be rumbled.
Got any other types of Facebook friend we’ve missed out? Comment below or drop us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org to fill us in.