Itchy's Top 5 Work Dodging Excuses for Summer 2012
Cos sometimes you just want to sit in the sun with a sangria.
'I have tickets to the Olympics.'
This is a good one because it's only valid for this year, so it can't be overused and it's good for a couple of days (a whole week if you live outside of London and don't mind living in your garden). After your fictional application and wait for tickets you have finally received them in the post, although you have no idea why you were not notified before - that Olympic committee, what are they thinking - and you simply have to get on a train/bus/tube right now to get there on time. If anyone asks to see your tickets when you get back tell them you were sworn to secrecy and forced to burn them. Oh and when the office wants to know how well the UK did just sigh and look a little sad. The only downside is the inevitable 'ticket envy' that will be sweeping the nation post-Olympics so don't boast too much about getting them. Remember you didn't actually go...
'It's just this contagious cough I have...'
This year's tragic epidemic is Legionnaire's Disease so if you're going to call in sick this is the one to choose. It's pretty easy to fake over the phone (cough a lot and complain about how hot it is) and highly contagious through water systems so there's the benefit of possibly getting a favourite colleague off work at the same time with a quick morning text. Sadly, this does sometimes develop and lead to hospitalisation and death so unless you want to have to explain to your boss why you're not in the morgue you'll only be getting the one day off. Let them know it was only a 24-hour bug before you turn up for work though. And if you actually have a high fever and cough GO TO A DOCTOR, idiot. This is not the excuse to use if you work with the elderly or sick, obviously.
'I'm waiting for the rescue boat.'
Another classic Summer 2012 excuse that applies to the entirety of the country, some more than others. Of course, this excuse helps if you've already laid the groundwork - 'Yes, I'm late today because I live at the bottom of a hill and had trouble climbing the last two miles this morning' - but you can easily throw it into conversation whilst calling in sick. Normally this would be a difficult excuse to make on a sunny day but luckily the British weather has already proved it's schizophrenia this year and it's completely believable that you'd get flooded out one day and sunburnt the next. A helpful hint though - find out where your boss lives before you use this one. If he lives round the corner from you claim you spent the night with your friend/parents/long lost cousin 'up north' somewhere and are now attempting to get into work by helicopter but the rescue crew seem unwilling to drop you off on their rounds.
'I'm on strike until the Dalai Lama returns to Tibet.'
This is a risky one but a good bet if you have a politicially active head honcho who keeps up with the news. Do a bit of research, particularly into the big deal that exiled Tibetans made of his holiness's birthday earlier this month, so whenever anyone objects to your cause you can shout angrily at them about the Chinese regime and democracy until they get a migraine and go away. Nothing chases people off quicker than a just cause (look at Chuggers... Charity Muggers) and there's none better than an ancient, peaceful man who tweets about being thrown out of his country. Seriously, check him out online at @DalaiLama. See, we told you his holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, was very cool. Itchy feels the need to point out that sounding too angry whilst lecturing about Buddhism may rub people the wrong way and create more problems in the future.
'I'm learning to sing the part of Jesus Christ.'
The genius that is Andrew Lloyd Webber has provided you all with the most unique excuse of all as he's running a search to find a star on ITV... And this time it's for Jesus Christ: Superstar the musical. The new show, simply named Superstar, started recording this week and will hit your screens any day now. Andrew and ITV are offering naive young hopefuls the chance to star in stage opposite DJ Chris Moyles, playing King Herod (a meaner person than Itchy would point out that it was the part he was born to play) and they are testing their singing strength in the traditional theatre ways... sticking them on a island, getting them to make rock videos, having them train with Mel C... the usual, really. What cold-hearted executive could deprive you of the chance to appear on television and be crucified...
Disclaimer: Please stay off social media when skipping work and remember... You didn't hear any of this from us.