Key
This is where all the cool kids go, so make sure you're suitably dressed-down and funky. Once you're in, the idea is to stand around looking sulky until the DJ plays something suitably obscure and hard to dance to. At this exact moment you simply raise one eyebrow, strut through the crowd and throw some modern-dance slash mime-artist moves on the dancefloor. At least that's what was happening when we were in. Though we could have just been stood near some twats from Hoxton. They've got some great nights lined up, so give it a go.

