If you like your vampires beautiful and fraught with emotion, look away now.
If you're confused, have a look at this:
All clear? Good.
Stake Land is a post-apocalyptic coming of age road movie. The acting's not consistently fantastic, but it's very pretty to look at when there aren't gruesome acts of violence going on, and the storyline blows its recent competitors out of the water.
Stake-wielding violence guru Mister (Nick Damici) is a vampire-killing machine, and he takes teenager Martin (Connor Paolo) under his wing after his parents fall prey to a blood-sucking bastard in a barn.
Once Martin's been trained up (cue Karate-Kid-style practice fight scenes) they head for New Eden (Canada, to you), which is reputedly a vampire-free safe haven. Along the way they pick up (and lose) a nun who's fallen prey to a couple of rather unfriendly monks, a pregnant young woman who'd prefer not to bring up baby surrounded by fangs, and an ex-marine who's somehow managed to save himself by living in a portaloo. Frankly we'd rather die.
The vampires aren't the most frightening things these wannabe-survivors encounter on the road: a religious cult calling themselves The Brethren have interpreted the vampire invasion as a message from God: those who remain have been chosen to repopulate the Earth (this is their excuse to rape whomever they please) and the vampires will pillage until the big guy upstairs is satisfied with their work.
These misogynistic maniacs hurl vampires into 'safe' towns full of survivors in order to purify them, string folk up left, right and centre, and think nothing of feeding their bitey friends anyone who rubs them up the wrong way.
Character development isn't this film's strong point, but the storyline is strong and surprising, and it's about time the indie film world takes back the vampire. Things were getting ridiculous.
Stake Land is out on 17th June. Go get yourself an education.